54 Pts..Yippeeeeee
I don't think our "readership" (what maybe the whole league reads this I dunno) will mind that for one week I'm deviating from the whole detailed recap save for one matchup of course. Here are the bare bones results of week 9.
Albert Beat Dad
Leland Beat Ryan
Drew Beat Kenny
and of course Matt won again, though kudos to Mike for putting up a valiant effort with a patchwork team consisting of Brian Hartline, Larod Stephens Howling, and Santana Moss. Seriously, if Vick would've been pulled last night, it could've been a disasterous loss for Matt.
That accounts for 4 games right....well...where's the 5th one?
THE SUPER LONG DETAILED ACCOUNT OF MY WEEK 10 MATCHUP AGAINST MAYRA (AS ASKED FOR BY MAYRA)
First, the customary score
Bigger Balls (5-4) 113.50
Poseidon more than angry just fucking pissed (2-7) 108
So...what's there to discuss. I lost....again...by 5.5 points...again.......on a Monday Night.....again......to a team I'm better than.....again......while scoring over 100 points.......again..yet not meeting my ridiculously lazy ass fucking Yahoo predictions.....AGAIN. I'm serious look at Yahoo's "Projections" for me. All but 1 WEEK, Yahoo not only has me winning, but winning easily and scoring 115+ points. EVERY WEEK. I should be undefeated according to them...but no, every week the other team outscored their projected points and I underscore my projected points leading to loss after shitty loss. I'm still 4th in the league in scoring, yet I sit 2 and fucking 7, 2 wins and 7 losses with over 1000 points scored. Pathetically bad. I'm not gonna rehash every single bullshit thing that has happened this year, let's just focus on this game. Cause Mayra asked me to write a "super detailed post" on how she beat me and basically crushed what little hope I had at the playoffs, so let's see how this 7th loss materialized shall we?
MY STUPID ASS DECISION TO MAKE A TRADE THAT DID NOT NEED TO BE MADE
I Was Shopping Chris Johnson for a backup WR to fill in for my bye week (ya know, "just in case" I'm still in the hunt for the playoffs). I tried snagging Brandon Lloyd from Posey but it was a no go. He countered with Tony Gonzalez. Wow, giving up a top tier tight end, that's pretty generous of him. There's a problem however, I DON'T NEED A TIGHT END. I have Antonio Gates, has he been maddening fuck yes he has, but still as far as tight ends go, he's fine, and I had no fucking need to add another tight end to my roster. But it was too tempting. I figured, eh, it's trade bait, I'll use Gates and trade Gonzo later. Why not right? So on Thursday I went home, ate my super yummy Chef Boy R Dee Beefaroni (I'm a growing boy fuck off) went to the trusty computer and accepted the trade. Then a funny thing happened. Tony Gonzalez plays on Sunday Night and Antonio Gates (despite the best matchup in the world you could ever have against the shitty hapless Chiefs) plays on the dreaded Thursday night. Hmmm, maybe I should think twice about playing Gates?? Wait a minute Yahoo has Tony Gonzalez ranked as the consensus #1 Tight End while Gates is 7?? What does super reliable Rotowire have to say.
"With Rob Ryan looking to shut down Julio Jones and Roddy White, expect Tony Gonzalez to be a huge part of the passing offense"
Wow, I'd be a MORON not to start him now right?? SIGN ME UPPPP BABYYYYY!! And so it happened...Gates goes to the bench and and the TE position shows "empty" on Thursday night. So what predictably happens??? This...
Of course!! A TD on the 1st drive of the game! Why not? He only accounting for 14 fucking yards against the shitty Browns last week, why wouldn't he score on the first drive of the game that I benched him? THURSDAY NIGHT! FANNNNNTASTIC. Now lucky for me, Mayra benched the Chargers D (25 points) and Malcolm Floyd (12.5) and Ryan Mathews sucked (7) but still opportunity lost and this would be the ultimate thing that would come to bite me in the ass in the long run.
How did Tony do you ask? Why he sucked dick of course! 4 catches for 36 yards. 5 points. I lost by 5.5. Gates got 11.5. I win by a point if I stick with Gates which I was going to do right up to Thursday. You gotta be fucking kidding me. How sickening. How fucking damn sickening. That's not all that happened though.
WORM HEADDDDDDDDD!!!
HIS HEAD IS TOO SMALL FOR THIS
Eli has been the biggest waste of space in the 3 games I've had him. 1 TD pass in the three games COMBINED. COMBINED DAMMITT, 1, UNO, JUST ONE. And that was a BULLSHIT 77 YARDER TO CRUZ BECAUSE THE REDSKINS DEFENSE FUCKING SUCKS. Week after Week the "experts" around the fantasy community rank Eli inside the top 10, promising "this is the one game" he finally turns it around. Yeah fucking right. But I buy in big time. Maybe it's time for Andrew Luck....but lo and behold not only does every fantasy website have Eli ranked ahead of Luck, Rotoworld says this of Luck
"Andrew Luck can be viewed no more than a low end QB2 against a stout Miami Defense"
STOUT? THE FUCKERS GAVE UP 433 YARDS TO HIM. A ROOKIE RECORD. LUCK-25 POINTS ELI-4!! 4! 1+1+1+1=4, THAT'S ALL HE GOT!!! Unbelievable, from a QB. 125 yards passing and a pick. That was a huge crushing blow to my chances to win.
What else....What Else can we dissect?? Oh yeah how bout this
MATTHEW BERRY'S EXPERT ANALYSIS ON MICHAEL TURNER
WORD FOR FUCKING WORD WHAT MATTHEW BERRY SAID ABOUT MICHAEL TURNER
"Another week, another game with under 70 yards rushing, his third
straight. The Cowboys haven't allowed a 100 yard rusher since week 2,
when Marshawn Lynch did it. If you think he scores, great. I don't,
making him a flex play this week." (Matthew, I get paid 6 figures to make PREDICTIONS ABOUT FANTASY FOOTBALL, BUT IF I'M WRONG, IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR NOT GOING WITH YOUR GUT CAUSE IT'S MY JOB TO TELL YOU WHO TO START/NOT START EVEN THOUGH IT IS)
UMMMM HE SCORED AND GOT 102 YARDS TO BOOT. Guess that makes him the 2nd 100 yard rusher since week 2 eh prick?? And of course guess what?!? IT'S AGAINST MEEEEEEEE! Just like when Ahmad Bradshaw was the first running back to score on the 49ers in almost two years in San Fran was against me!!! What a GREAT SEASON THIS HAS BEEN. HOW FUNNNNN!!
Let's seee what else...oh how about
Andre Johnson- 1st 100 yard game since Week 1, naturally this happens against me.
Robbie Gould-Bears go into fuck it mode so Gould gets some freebie field goals to the tune of 16 points (man I hate Kickers)
Anquan Boldin-He does decent and nabs a 2 point conversion, awesome.
Owen Daniels- "Difficult Matchup for Daniels This Week" my ass. He scored a WIDE OPEN TOUCHDOWN. No one was even close to being there. Pathetic.
On my Side man Calvin Johnson pisses me off. SCORE A TOUCHDOWN YOU TRANSFORMER MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR! HE GETS STOPPED AT THE 1 AGAIN (5TH TIME THIS SEASON). YOU ADD UP HIS STOPS AT THE 1, HIS DROPPED END ZONE PASSES, AND OFFENSIVE PASS INTERFERENCE CALLS IN THE END ZONE, AND HE LEADS THE LEAGUE IN FAKE TD'S BY LIKE 20. Megatron, what a stupid nickname. Fuck you.
I wasted another great Eric Decker performance. He led my team in scoring with 2 TD's and 25 points. Ray Rice scored a TD, but then does nothing of note in the 2nd half. The Bears had too much of a lead so Forte did most of his damage in the 1st half so he was quiet in the 2nd half. Victor Cruz was tied to Worm Head, so he sucked. Janikowski didn't get FG opportunities. And apparently the Packers D can't do shit against a horrible Cardinals offensive line.
After alllllllll that frustration and Bullshit I was up 21.5 points going into
Here we go AGAIN. The game against my Dad, the Game against Ryan, both didn't end well, with Monday Night Football pulling a mean trick and making me miss Monday Night Raw luring me into false hope thinking I was gonna win.
First this happened
You gotta be kidding? First Td a defensive TD!! Alright!!! 1st quarter goes and Brees hasn't done much. Then THIS HAPPENS!
OMG NO FUCKING WAY!! THIS IS AWESOME, I HAVE A CHANCE, TWO TD'S AND NO BREES AND COLSTON. THIS IS GREAT..THIS IS AWESOME IT'S ALMOST HALFTIME AND I'M GONNA BE UP 19 HERE COMES PIERRE THOMAS WITH A TD RUN YES! YES! OH SHIT, STOPPED AT THE ONE....OH NO...OH GOD NO......I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING....PLEASE.....PLEASE NO.....NOT HIM......
YEP, PLAY FUCKING ACTION WIDE ASS OPEN AND THAT'S YOUR BALL GAME. BREES FUCKED AROUND AND LOST A FUMBLE ,but that was game and he threw one more TD pass to make it a little less heart wrenching, but at the end of the day I lose by 5.5 fucking points.
Unbelievable. But at the end of the day, you know what...after all my bitching and moaning and crying and conspiracy theories, and oh woe is me crap..the main thing to get out of this loss
It's 1000% MY FAULT I LOST
It is. It's completely my fault because despite the bullshit Turner crap, and the Eli sucky game, it was one boneheaded MANAGEMENT DECISION, that cost me this game and flushed my virtual season down the real drain. I got trade happy and made a trade I ABSOLUTELY DID NOT HAVE TO MAKE EVER. PERIOD. That's on me. No one force me to do it, no one made bench Gates, I talked to myself into it and I paid the price not only here, but at work, as I'll have to hear about this loss for the next damn year....(anyone need an accountant, I got references).
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